Profound and Prolific

I've been thinking about my part lately, the role that I am playing. Is there a rule book somewhere that I am supposed to adhere too? Will fulfilling others expectations make them more comfortable with themselves or is it simply the thought that I am not doing what they believe is right? I have abandoned their level of control.

At times I feel as if I am moving through my day, checking of a list, sticking to the script. Sticking to the status quo allows me to be at ease with everyone else. Wars are not created and egos are not damaged when I do what I am told.

It is now; a moment in my life where I am filling the spaces in between with dreams that I never bargained for, that my happiness can only be determined by me. The needs of others, those that I greatly love, I am hurting because I can not consider them more. It is not that I am selfish, I simply lack the capacity. I am currently filling my own void.

Today I was reminded of Jacques; the philosopher in Shakespeare's "As You Like It". Jacques is on a on quest to understand his identity and the players at his side. He sees the world as a stage where all the characters must perform. The story unfolds as he questions his own legitimacy: Was each character's dialog written before the play took shape?

In much more simple terms, my girlfriend Catherine likes to ask "So, who's driving the bus today?".


"All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. At first the infant,
Mewling and puking in the nurse's arms;
Then the whining school-boy, with his satchel
And shining morning face, creeping like snail
Unwillingly to school. And then the lover,
Sighing like furnace, with a woeful ballad
Made to his mistress' eyebrow. Then a soldier,
Full of strange oaths, and bearded like the pard,
Jealous in honour, sudden and quick in quarrel,
Seeking the bubble reputation
Even in the cannon's mouth. And then the justice,
In fair round belly with good capon lin'd,
With eyes severe and beard of formal cut,
Full of wise saws and modern instances;
And so he plays his part. The sixth age shifts
Into the lean and slipper'd pantaloon,
With spectacles on nose and pouch on side;
His youthful hose, well sav'd, a world too wide
For his shrunk shank; and his big manly voice,
Turning again toward childish treble, pipes
And whistles in his sound. Last scene of all,
That ends this strange eventful history,
Is second childishness and mere oblivion;
Sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything."

With Stuff

I have been running the marathon of busy and just now realized that I have not posted or updated and my blog and will end up being one of those blogs that people delete from their bookmarks because the owner of that blog has been lazy or too busy, and really, really tired. I have faith that at least my Mother won't delete me.

Update on the job front: My company promoted me. Like big time. Big huge fat promotion, with a big huge fat opportunity to work a big huge fat number of hours.

• Title Upgrade: VP of Operations
• Number of Employees inherited: 10 in total
• Number that are worth it: 4 and a 1/2
• Number that use 30% of my time during the week retraining, upskilling and begging for the love of GOD "Can you just do your F'ING job!": 1 and a 1/2

The reason I am a workaholic: I am being given an opportunity to run the client services operation of an Enterprise Software Technology company, before I even got a master's degree. An opportunity that I knew I wanted 14 years ago. I would be an ASS not to run with this pigskin. And also, there is that little child in me that enjoys sticking my tongue out and saying "Nah, nah, ne, poo poo" to my third grade teacher who made me feel like I was worthless. Not that I held a grudge or anything.

• Number of hours I am bleeding my soul per week: Oh about ALL of them

Update on the dating front:

• The beautiful Boy with the beautiful smile is winning by a a lot of points and a conversion. There may be a few penalties but we are in the 2nd quarter, at the fourth down; my team is playing traditional defense, his team is playing this new NCAAI offensive line. And those boys can tackle! Damn that Beautiful Boy! Need I say more?

Update on the divorce weight:

• Amount of weight gained due to divorce: 42
• Number of years spent feeling like a fatass: 2
• Number of pounds lost in the last year: 37
• Number of pounds left to loose: WHO CARES I'M SKINNY AGAIN! Damn!

Misc:

Total level of frustration built up over the last 3 months due to job stress and lack of sleep: Huge

Total amount of time spent in New Zealand: 1 year ago on October 25th

Still loving New Zealand: Yes, Awesome, Rockin, LOVING it.

Number of arguments and fights that I have had with my Mother about moving back home: 5,000 and counting

Number of cities she has recommended that I move to that are not two ocean's away: At least 40; Montreal and Pittsburgh being the leaders of this pack. (Dear Mom, please make a note, I AM NOT MOVING TO PENNSYLVANIA, step away from the Liberty Bell!)

Number of times I considered moving back home in the last year: Many

Number of times I reconsidered because my life is good and I am finding a level of happiness that I have not had in years: Many more

Places that I have visited in the last year: Bay of Islands, Taupo, Wellington, 90 Mile Beach, Piha, Qeenstown, Wanaka, Christchurch, Many, many more.

Number of decisions that I have made on my next move: None, I'm not ready

The winter is almost over. It was not a New York Freeze Your Ass of Winter by any stretch, but there was still a level of cabin fever because of the cold and the rain. Summer is on its way and friends and I are planning road trips, weekends, events and BBQ's.

Yeah I am working hard, and playing hard, and ya know it just doesn't suck.